finding peace

My Scripture Prescription

The second day I was in the hospital I was visited by Chaplin Fred. I am convinced God dropped him straight from heaven and into my world that day because that day, in particular, was my worst. I had woken up in the clothes I arrived there in because the techs hadn’t searched the belongings my sister had brought for me yet, I hadn’t seen the doctor, I had cried through breakfast, and I was the “new girl” and didn’t know the psych hospital rules yet.  I was feeling very neglected. All of this combined with my obvious mental breakdown and exhaustion left me completely lost and here is where both he and He found me.

I grew up in a faith filled home. I attended church every week. I attended Catholic school and send my own children to Catholic school. I thought I knew my faith and believed that God was with me but somewhere between the PTSD and anxiety, the outside world, various pressures, and demands of my own family, I had forgotten really how God is with me. 

After this experience, I will never forget.

Chaplin Fred prayed with me, listened to my story, reminded me of the love God has always had for me and he did one more thing for me – he offered me a scripture prescription.  I have leaned on those words each day since.

Psalm 23: 1-8

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures: he leads me beside the still waters.  He restores my soul: he leads me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.  Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies: you anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.  Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

If I ever see Chaplin Fred again I will thank him for the hope he filled me with, for the love he showed me in some of my darkest times, and for sharing these words for me to live by.

 

My pageant response to what the world needs most…

From my daily devotional on the day I wrote this entry. I realize it seems a bit outdated (2 months ago), but I felt the message is still relevant today. Maybe more than ever...

From my daily devotional on the day I wrote this entry. I realize it seems a bit outdated (2 months ago), but I felt the message is still relevant today. Maybe more than ever...

Maybe it’s inner peace that we all need most?  Then maybe we would finally enjoy some peace in this world.  During my struggle with PTSD I have begged and pleaded with myself and with God to help me find peace.  Not just a moment of peace, I want to fill my life with it. I want to feel it in my bones. I walk to carry it with me like a precious diamond and reflect rainbows of peace onto everyone and everything when the light hits me. I want my kids to feel my peace and wrap themselves in it. I want to be this huge beacon of peace that runs over and spreads throughout my home, community and the world.  When you meet this new me, I want you to think, “Wow, that lady is peaceful.”

Inner peace takes practice.  It hasn’t been easy to find and I’m still searching for it, but I have discovered some ways for me to live more peacefully. First and foremost I have had to identify my triggers and eliminate them. As I write this on 11/29/2016, I can tell you that I haven’t watched the news since July 14th (the Bastille Day attack which re-triggered my PTSD).  I don’t miss it either and that’s a whole other post that is coming.  I said goodbye to Facebook (even though now I do maintain a page for Still Blooming Me through a host site). The news feed is just as bad as watching the news and while I do miss out on an occasional birthday, birth announcement or baby picture, I see now how much time I spent looking at it rather than looking at myself or into the eyes of those I truly love. My phone doesn’t control me anymore – I control it. I highly recommend this if you are really wondering who truly values you in their life.  They will pick up the phone and call you.

I have learned there is honor in saying no – I am honoring myself.  This has brought incredible peace to a lady like me who loves to say yes.

I have found new ways to show myself love which brings me peace too. My husband jokes that I’m turning into an old lady with all my natural remedies, Epsom salt baths, gentle yoga, meditating, etc. and I say that sounds about right since the grays on my head have seemed to multiple by the millions since August.  I am okay with the grays too.  I feel I've somehow earned them.

Inner peace is being okay with these changes. Embracing them. Living them. Exuding them. 

I don’t know where all of this will really lead me but I know that wherever I’m headed it will be peaceful.

you are invited on my journey

This is my pass to wait for Jeff in the bleachers the day of the marathon. I keep it as a reminder of how lucky I was to be on the other side of the street that day.  

This is my pass to wait for Jeff in the bleachers the day of the marathon. I keep it as a reminder of how lucky I was to be on the other side of the street that day.  

Almost four years ago my life was changed forever as you have learned from the contents of this site.  Through my journey to find peace and healing I have started a journal.  I want to share with you some of the passages I have written to remind myself years from now what inspired me to keep living this beautiful life I have been given.  

When I was naming this space I consulted a dear friend and soul sister. She is this amazing person who reflects creativity in everything she does and I knew she was the right person for the job because I had entrusted her to plan my wedding 8 years earlier.  We tearfully dove into the contents of the composition book I was given in the hospital and began highlighting words that stood out.  There in her living room was born Still Blooming Me.

Still. I started my journal while in the hospital when I was seeking stillness the most. The first day I had none of my own belongings but the clothes on my back, a composition book, and miniature pencil. Here I was, removed from all the comforts of my home trying to find relief in such simple possessions. I soon found myself on medications that made me shake so badly I couldn't eat, couldn't sit still, and couldn't sleep. Wasn't I there to get relief from these things in the first place? My mind was plagued with racing thoughts. I was working so hard to claim some peace in that awful place I found myself in. I remember praying and begging God to grant me stillness.

Blooming. My maiden name is Flores, it means flowers in Spanish and flowers have always been a part of the beauty I seek out in my life. In my journal I wrote, "God is burying me so that I can grow into the most beautiful fruit bearing tree, with deep roots, strong branches, full of blooming flowers and the knowledge that my life is always changing and that's okay." Through this experience I have learned that blooming takes work, it can be painful, it requires the help of others, and if you work at it, you will find the most beautiful flower blooming is you.

Me. This is the most important word in the title.  This is about me. It's my story, I didn't choose it but I am claiming it. I'm not hiding it from you or from me anymore and that will help me heal. This blog is about what has helped me, how I have found the strength to be my own advocate, and how I plan to help others like me. Finally, the very best therapy I have found has been the time I have taken to slow down and enjoy my two treasures whose names begin with "M" and "E".