Lately my kids have been obsessed with playing board games which is fun for Jeff and I because we all end up laughing — and it keeps us from overloading on television. One game they love in particular is the game of Life. It got me thinking yesterday as I took the responsible college route, began a career in sales with an annual salary of $30,000, scooped up a husband, son, and dilapidated beach house along the way, that there where spaces missing. Where are the spaces that include the challenges we face in real life? There aren’t even speed bumps. I never landed on the space that said, “You just witnessed a terrorist attack, skip your next turn and head straight to therapy”. If only I could be so lucky in my real life.
It’s becoming hard for me to remember how my life was before PTSD and sometimes that makes me sad. I used to go through life so easily. I could go to restaurants without the music, lights, tv’s, and people overstimulating me. Crowds didn’t scare me. I didn’t have to live by the schedule of supplements I take and make sure I always have my anxiety arsenal with me. I could handle multiple tasks at once. I was a sharp lady. I was a happy lady. Yet, I didn’t realize what a blessed lady I was and I think that is where having PTSD has made a difference in my life. It has given me a different lens to view my life through. I see the blessings I used to take for granted. I see the relationship and trust I have built with God. I am certain if PTSD wasn’t going to bring me to this place that something down my life’s path certainly would eventually. But here I am now — blessed by God’s plan for my life, sharing my journey with you, and trusting that I will heal myself gracefully.
Not too long ago I was having a deep conversation with my dad’s best friend. He is a deeply faithful man and someone who has prayed for me and shown my family so much love during this difficult past year. He shared with me how when someone breaks a bone it heals stronger in that place than it was before the fracture. Interesting concept but it is true. That conversation has stuck with me.
My prayers, hopes, and dreams have been that I heal stronger than I ever was before. I certainly do all the work and am focused on finding a cure for myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t get discouraged or frustrated and that is where my faith comes in. I have faith that I WILL be healed and that one day when I look back on my life that these difficult times will be a small blip on my path. To me, that would be the perfect way to win at this game called Life.
As I write this we are preparing for a trip to the Cape and I am excited because our travels kick-off with a Boston Marathon Survivor’s BBQ this coming weekend so I get to see my new family and spend some time healing with them. I also want to ask for your prayers while we are gone because last year’s trip was very hard for me as that is where I was triggered and was ultimately hospitalized when we returned home. I have better tools and coping skills now but I am still leaving my safety net of therapists and my doctor. They have all expressed love and faith in me this week that I will do well and be fine — I have faith I will be fine too but it doesn’t hurt to ask for prayers.